Tempt Me
by Lavamad
Summary: Over. Done. Not. Goning. To. Happen. Who am i kidding? All it takes is one touch, a look, and a taste and it blows up in our faces. LJ
1. Awaken To Truth

_YAY an update finally i hear you say - erm yes - but a new FanFic called Tempt Me :D Please do read and review_

_Ta ta for now - updating soon i hope - :)_

**Anna xx

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****Awaken to Truth**

"I told you there's nothing going on between me and Lily," James said aggravated while Grace looked on at him unconvinced.

"James I know you two have history together," she began, sweeping her copper brown hair behind her ear, before James cut in.

"Then how many times do I have to tell you, we ended it because it wasn't working, we wanted completely different things from life. Yes she was my first love, yes she was my first and yes I do still love her, but only as a friend."

"But that's the point; deep inside you still love her!" Grace almost screamed.

"When I look at you do you see me looking at another woman?"

"No."

"Have I ever not been here for you?"

"No."

"Do you believe I love you?"

"Yes, but James what are you trying to prove."

"She asked me to do a favour for her, and I can't say no because I owe it to her parents. If I could tell you what I promised I would but it's not something I can do."

"James you're giving her away at her bloody wedding, you obviously want her to be your bride not what's his face."

"Do you honestly think that if I wanted to marry her I'd be giving her away to someone else?"

Grace stalled.

"You know what, I'm going out with Sirius and Remus and if you think I have commitment issues look at yourself, you're the one who didn't want to move in together, you didn't say I love you when I did- "

"Because I know what I'm contending with James. She's got everything you want."

"No she doesn't. Grace I'm a lazy person, if I wanted her I wouldn't be here fighting to bloody keep you," James said pointedly before turning and slamming the door behind him, leaving Grace in turmoil.

…

Lily was still waiting for James to say yes or no, it was the final thing for her perfect wedding in a month, as she finished her drink she decided she'd pay him a visit, but as she was walking out of the bar she saw Sirius and Remus followed by a sullen looking James.

_Oh dear, _Lily thought and went over.

"James, do I have an answer."

"I don't know if I can Lily, I want to but I don't want Grace to walk out on me, I just need to convince her."

"Ok just tell me soon, because if you aren't Paul wants you to be a groom, cause his sister wants to be a bridesmaid and he's out of good male friends."

"I'll get back to you," James smiled at her, "Promise."

…

Grace couldn't believe James, he really wanted to do it but she was still convinced that he nevertheless loved Lily more than he would ever love her. Just as she was going to sink into her chair and contemplate leaving the doorbell rang.

As she walked over to the door she almost decided not to open it, going against her better judgment she did.

"I suppose James sent you here to convince me."

"Shut up," Lily replied, "Sorry, but the world doesn't revolve around you, and no he didn't."

"Oh and I suppose it revolves around you?" Grace replied stiffly.

_It might of done when James was with me, _Lily thought crudely_ oh my god I did NOT just think that._

"As much as I'd like it to no. Can I come in?" Lily said sweetly.

"You're just as bossy as he is," Grace said opening the door wider and inviting her in.

"I noticed that when I was with him," Lily said grumpily, "Listen I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from, but me and James are truly over and done with, and as much as I regretted it at the time, I know he's happier with you than he ever was with me."

"What makes you think that?"

"Have you ever talked to Sirius and Remus about him and me?" Lily asked casually while Grace shook her head, "Well I'm kinda nosy you see and when I first found out James had a girlfriend I needed to know just one thing. Do you argue?"

"Sometimes, why did you?" Grace said cautiously not knowing what Lily was getting at

"Everyday at least three times. We didn't get along, we lived together for a month and we almost killed each other trying not to be picniky about everything. In the end the only thing we could agree on was that it wasn't working between us, so we stopped seeing each other. James and I don't know how to make compromises, at least we didn't then and I doubt we do now. The only reason we're friends is because we argue, its fun when you don't have a relationship on the rocks."

"Lily as much as I'd like to believe that I can't."

"Because you're ex was having sex with your sister in your bed on your birthday?" Lily said bluntly, while all she received a shocked look; "James told me you have commitment issues, actually he got drunk passed out and then told Sirius who told me, but that's not the point. You have to trust him because as much as it pains me to say it, he won't stick around because ever since I've known him, his life depends on trusting and being trusted by the people around him."

"See that's the thing, you know him better than I do!"

"That's because I don't listen with my ears shut," Lily mumbled, "Listen, James is a great guy but you have to let him be himself, he's an amazing person and he deserves you, and you him, if you don't give him a chance to prove that you can trust him then your going to end up eating yourself for the rest of your life because of something you threw away."

The door clicked open "Grace? Is Lily here I heard her voice," James called.

"I'm just leaving," Lily said smiling at James, "You're going to Daniels opening night tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? Really ugh dunno," James replied as Lily nodded and left his home.

He looked at Grace not knowing what to say, "I don't even want to know why she was here."

Grace looked at James' deject face and thought about what Lily had said, she really wanted to trust James but was it her fault it was so hard to believe anything any man said to her anymore?

"You should do it," she said quietly, not really wanting to but she wanted with all her heart, for him to know she trusted him even if she had doubts, at least he could believe she did.

"Really? You're not going to get mad tomorrow that I'm doing it?" James asked curiously wandering what brought on a change of heart. "And what brought this on?"

"I have to face up to the fact that not everyman is my ex," she lied, well partly. "If you want you can go out to that party thing, I don't feel like going out tomorrow. In fact all I want to do is lay in the bath for an hour or two and read a book."

"You don't mind then," James grinned cheekily at her.

"And don't think you're getting any tonight either." Grace muttered.

That was the only problem with Grace if she wanted sex she got sex even if James wasn't in the mood, and although he had tried to talk to her about it she didn't want to accept that men got to decide when they got sex, no wonder her boyfriend cheated on her. James had patience; he had to wait a year before she put out for him, after that it was mainly smooth sailing, until they moved in together that was.

"Alright then, in that case I'm going to bed early. I've got work tomorrow. Night," James said as he went up the stairs feeling slightly deprived.

Slightly was an understatement, in actual fact, he wouldn't admit it but he and Grace had only shared a bed intimately twice, every other night was just laying next to each other, and yet he loved her. Why? Because she was a boring version of Lily and he wouldn't admit that either because he didn't see it.

…

"Paul you promised me you'd get the night off!" Lily yelled the following evening.

"A party is hardly important."

"It's important to me and my friends," Lily pointed out.

"No offence hun but the only one of your friends who has any intelligence is James."

"He's going!" Lily said trying to find an excuse for her beloved Paul to come.

"He hasn't had a night off in weeks," Paul said in his usual placid state.

Lily fumed and walked out of the door, the more she thought about it the more she wondered if she was making a mistake marrying a man as predictable as Paul. He was boring and yet secure, they didn't fight, the sex was pre-planned whenever they did have it but enjoyable enough.

"This sucks," Lily muttered to herself as she walked down the street.

"Hey," said a voice behind her and she jumped.

"Oh James it's you," Lily gasped, "I though Grace was coming."

"Nah she said something about not wanting to I lost interest after her third explanation," James sighed, as happy as Lily was with the situation, which was not very.

"We could go alone together," Lily joked.

"I remember last time we did that, we ended up in a closest making out," James smiled. "Anyway I was coming to tell you yes."

"Really?" Lily stopped and looked at him her eyes beaming.

"Really," James said as Lily threw her arms around her.

As James stood there receiving Lily's embrace he felt a feeling he had long though lost, the lust he had for her was slowly creeping back into his veins, he moved away from Lily before he lost control of his senses and was forced to take her on the street.

"We should hurry, it's almost time," James pointed out as they ran to the field to apparate from.

…

"Do you ever wonder if Lily and James will get back together again," Sirius mused to Remus and Abigail, while waiting for the two to arrive.

"What?" Abigail, "Take that back, Lily's getting married in a month, and don't you dare meddle."

"It was a thought, I didn't want to have my head bitten off, and there is no way I am going to meddle. I meant by their own accord."

"Nah," Remus said, "I mean they both have happy satisfying lives right, cause if they don't I don't want to be there to help them break it off with Grace and Paul."

"What are you two like," Abigail said stunned. "It's like the prospect of Lily and James being with anyone else than well Lily and James hasn't entered your minds at all. Its been well over a year since they last did anything couple-like."

"Neither of them are getting sex though," Sirius said matter-of-factly.

"How do you know that?" Abigail said curiously.

"Because James is all fidgety and whenever he gets overly horny he's round at my place drinking away like there's no tomorrow and he wouldn't ever jerk off cause Lily said something about that to him once that made him well anti DIY, and Lily is well, she glazes over from time to time, like she did when she and James were going through a rough patch."

"The fact that you know all this Sirius scares me, but maybe it'd be nice if they were together, I think it's strange they're still friends."

"So does everyone else on the planet except James and Lily and their respective partners." Remus pointed out. "Look there they are!"

Lily was walking towards them with a tray of drinks knowing Sirius would comment, just as she opened her mouth to stop him from commenting he did.

"Now all you need is a maid outfit and a master," he winked at her.

"Sirius I have a maid outfit and I think I have a whip and handcuffs somewhere as well but I could be wrong," Lily replied try to make her sound as though she was fibbing but in fact buried in a box with James' name on it was a fluffy black dress with a white apron that she had bought to surprise him with one day while they were still dating and yet she never had the chance.

"Really?" Sirius asked, for James sake more than his own.

"Sure, if you want to think I do." Lily replied, "Have you seen Daniel yet?"

"A bit anxious are we Lil?" said a voice above her.

"No just worried," Lily replied grinning at her old friend, so sliding down the seat inadvertently pressing herself against James sending shivers down her spine, "Ugh someone just walked over my grave," she said as everyone looked at her shivers. "So how's it going," she asked trying to ignore the feeling in her tense stomach that she had been trying to suppress for over six months now.

"Not a bad turn out if you ask me, although I was expecting to see Paula and Greg here."

Lily snorted, "Paul and Grace you mean?"

Daniel coughed, "Yea I was just testing you," before laughing, "I think I've had too much to drink."

"As always," James said simply sipping his "juice."

For the rest of the night Lily and James went on ignoring their evident feelings, but why had they come back.

Lily was sure she didn't love James anymore but seeing him now as the man who was going to give her away saddened her because he was willing to, if he still loved her like she had always dreamed, he wouldn't be doing this, he wouldn't be letting another man have her, even if he didn't take time of work for her. Workaholic.

James didn't know why he had spent a whole hour yesterday convincing Grace that he didn't love Lily when he knew full well it was too hard to let go of her, but his happiness would always revolve around her happiness, but why had he only noticed that after they'd split? He damned himself for everything that he hadn't done while he was with her.

The night passed slowly and painfully for them, and neither of them knew it was just the beginning of their problems.

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_**There you go Chapter 1 of erm well - updating soonish i hope :D**_

_**Please review really would like to know what you think**_


	2. Zippers and Cream

**_Discalimer: i do not own any of the JK character etc_**

_Chapter 2 :D wow just over a week :D record i think anyway..._

_anyhow i'll let you read (and review pwease :D) _

_btw yes i know randomish Chap title but meh_

**Anna xx**

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**Zippers and Cream**

"Paul can you zip me up?" Lily called from their bedroom; he rolled his eyes at the inability of women to dress themselves.

He walked into the room to see her wearing a long black bodice dress, which in no way covered up her cleavage well enough, and she had enough of it to show.

"You sure that's appropriate."

"I bought it three months ago, and I haven't ever worn it, and besides it's my party, I can wear what I want."

"Didn't you say that three of your ex boyfriends were going to be there."

_Now he gets jealous, great._

"Do you want me to take three hours to change my hair, choose another dress and redo my makeup to suit it?"

"No," Paul admitted, they were running late as it was.

"Then zip me up," Lily replied.

She couldn't believe the impertinence of the man, she'd asked him if he minded what she wore, he said no, she asked his opinion on what colour dress he said black, she asked if it should be long or short he said long, this was the only dress that fitted that bloody description and instead of complimenting her, he was questioning her choice.

"Could you at least wear a sweater of some sort?"

"It's the middle of summer and you want me to wear a sweater," Lily huffed; _James was more fun than this._ She thought as a look of horror crossed her face.

"What's wrong?"

"I feel sick," she faked and ran to the bathroom locking it pretending to throw up. _You will not think of James in any naughty ways tonight, sure you'd be having sex if he had been asked to zip you up but no this is Paul, he's a gentleman who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, bastard._ Lily thought as she flushed the toilet, she needed to talk to Abigail, best friend, maid of honour, she'd know what to do.

"Better?"

"Yea," Lily replied, "Shall we go, to our much delayed engagement party?" Lily asked trying to keep a calm stature.

…

As soon as they had arrived Lily went in search for Abigail, to her disappointment she couldn't find her.

"Looking for someone?" James asked her as she sat down at a random table; looking down at her, but more at her expression than her dress.

"You haven't seen Abigail have you?"

"She came by looking for some earrings she left behind when she and Sirius were still acquaintances in the bedroom so to speak, about half an hour ago. Told me to tell you she was going to be late."

Lily lay her head down on the table in despair.

"Anything I can help with?" James asked.

_Not unless you want to strip me cover me in whipped cream and have sex like never before._ Lily thought shocking herself, groaning at the same time, "No it's a girl thing, sorta, well not really but I just need to talk to someone who won't tell anyone, hopefully, and its not really something I want to bother you with James but thanks for the offer," Lily rambled off.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Anything alcoholic," Lily replied smiling, "Where's Grace?"

"She mumbled something about having a report from work and that she didn't have a dress or something, I was running late, or so I thought but obviously I wasn't."

"You were trying to sort your hair weren't you?"

"Yea."

"The mess suites you James, don't change it," Lily said wistfully, feeling like a teenager with a crush on some forbidden fruit and damned herself.

He smiled at Lily, he had always loved the fact that, despite its constant messiness, Lily had always played with his hair, even insisted that when he climbed into the shower with her that she washed it for him before he pinned her to the wall and…

_Don't go there she's getting married in 4 weeks._

"There she is," James pointed to the entrance.

Lily got up smiled at James and went over to Abigail in a rush, "I need your help," she said dragging her off to the toilet and locking the door behind her, after checking no one else was in there.

"Can I ask what the rush is?"

"I'm having impure thoughts about James."

Abigail laughed and then looked at Lily, "Oh my god you're serious."

"And it's gone beyond the point where I can cope," Lily said sitting down on the baby changing counter.

"Breath and start from the beginning."

"When does the beginning begin Ab?" Lily asked hysterically, "I don't think it ever ended, and then the other day, when he said he'd give me away I almost screamed because it felt like someone ripped my heart out and fed it to the lions."

"You're being incoherent."

"I am not, just listen. You know when someone tells you that they love you and then take it back or cheat or something like that, it felt like I'd lost him, and I never really felt like I had him in the first place, so when I felt like I lost him, it was like losing your grandmothers pearls which you weren't supposed to wear and you know your damned for life."

"I need a different example Lily."

"When I asked Paul to zip me up, I started to think about how James used to zip me up, he'd kiss me and tell me I was beautiful and then he'd zip me up and kiss me again and make me laugh for no reason what so ever and then before I knew it I was lying underneath him screaming his name then he'd look at me and tell me that he loved me, and asked if I'd like to do it again sometime. Which usually left us five minutes to re-ready ourselves to go out." Lily sounded, longing for James like she hadn't known for too long.

"Is that why you were late to Sirius birthday?" Abigail asked curiously.

"Abigail! This isn't about then," Lily replied trying to avoid the subject, "I need to stop thinking about James, I mean when you're sitting at a table and he just sits down, you don't want to think about him locking the two of you in a broom cupboard and fucking you like there was no tomorrow and hoping to god no one goes past the cupboard because of the strange noises you're making cause you're using the stuff to keep you from falling over."

"I don't want to know about your sex life Lily."

"Don't worry it doesn't exists," Lily replied crudely. "That's not the point I'm not that desperate cause if I was I'd be reduced to shagging any old fart, but it's only James I just look at him and I," Lily paused nervously.

"I get!" Abigail said. "So why do I have to know this."

"You're my best friend and you won't tell anyone, and I need you to convince me that I'm just nervous before my wedding and that James is just someone who happens to make me feel wanton."

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT."

"You did when I was dating him!" Lily protested.

"That was because I didn't have a sex life;" Abigail said weakly, "Lily that dress you're wearing is bound to make Paul-"

"Yea that's what I thought, but he wanted me to wear a sweater over it."

"Lily maybe you just need to get James out of your system."

"How do you propose I do that?"

"Just let him be your friend, forget that he might not love you anymore. Remember that he has a woman to take to bed and its not you anymore, and you're probably just nervous about your wedding, everyone has the right to be nervous."

"Yea, you're this is all just some kind of panic thing and I'll stop thinking about it when we go to get those dresses."

"I can't go it'll be just you and James." Abigail said out of the blue, surprising herself with the lie, what the hell was she doing. She blamed Sirius because now she was meddling.

"What?"

"I forgot to book the day off work, Lily I'm sorry. The weekend after you go with James yea? Cause you know I have plans with Daniel," Abigail smiled

Lily stared blankly at her. "Ok."

They left the toilets with Lily not feeling any better, and went back to the main table where she was supposed to be sitting.

"Lily!" Sirius called.

"What?"

"James was looking for you."

"Why was James looking for me Sirius?"

"Hey I don't know he's the one pretending to be your daddy." Sirius said in his joking manner immediately making Lily hate him more.

"I'll find him," Lily lied; she wanted to avoid him for the rest of the night.

Lily had done well in avoiding James for the entire evening, she was now somewhat comfortably being possessively held by Paul to a slow song.

"Do you mind if I cut in," she heard James voice say.

"Sure I need to go talk to my mother anyway; I don't know what she's trying to do." Paul said as he gave Lily to James.

"Nice dress."

Lily wanted to throttled him, didn't he know that Paul still hadn't commented on how nice she looked, but all she did was smile. _Just remember he doesn't love you._

"So what's up?" Lily said looking up at James.

"I forgot to ask you earlier Grace wanted to know how long it was going to take with this robe thing," James asked.

"Well we're meeting at two, Tuesday next week remember, and I have no idea, a while I suppose. I'm having my dress fitted and then altered and then we have to have yours done, but I still haven't thought of what style would go with the dress. So for all I know it could take all day. Why did she want to know?"

"Something about wanting to have some school friends round and not wanting to bug me while I do my damn reports."

"Healer life getting you down?"

"Nah, just the administration," James laughed at Lily, she looked too beautiful for words and he couldn't have her. There was no way she was still attracted to anything but his hair. "Are you looking forward to your big day?"

_Our why isn't it our big day._

_Well if you cut the y of your it would be our, _Lily thought, and then rebuked herself for not having thought control. "Yea, a bit nervous something will go wrong though," she mumbled softly to which James chuckled.

"In your dreams, the way you plan stuff, the only thing that can go wrong is something that wasn't planned."

_You're unplanned James god-dam nit, stop being so god damn hot._

"I need to go change," James said suddenly. "I've been invited to a muggle do thing."

"Steve's girlfriend is a muggle?"

"Yea, you're not going."

"I had a fight with him a year ago doofus." Lily laughed

"Right yea," James said reluctantly pulling away from her. "Can I use one of the back rooms?"

"It's not my hall do what you like," Lily replied, wishing she hadn't. If Grace was here she was sure he'd already be occupying a room.

After five minutes of looking for Paul she found his mother, "Do you know where Paul is?"

"One of the back room love looking for some more wine for Uncle Fred."

"Oh ok," Lily said, feeling the need to find him, she walked to the back rooms and without thinking opened the first door she reached.

…

She gawped, paralysed by the most beautiful site in the world, James… undressing.

He'd been working out, or maybe he was just having more sex with Grace than he had with her?

Not a possibility, Lily decided.

There was no doubt about the wondrous toned body he had, delicious in everyway or maybe he had it before and she hadn't noticed. She wouldn't put it past herself

Down to a pair of boxers

Was he going to strip those too?

Lily hoped so, she craved to remember, to look at something she couldn't have anymore was hell but hell she wanted to anyway.

_This is no time to drool._ Lily thought trying to move, no such luck.

He took a bag and rummaged through it, he took out his trousers and Lily damned him, but when he started to swear about bringing the wrong ones, Lily grinned to herself, extremely pleased.

Having no where to sit he'd have to do it standing up, Lily stepped back so that he couldn't see Lily standing in the gap of the door, watching him wondrously as he struggled to take off his boxers.

Lily's need for him intensified immensely in a nanosecond, he was so… perfect in size.

She shifted uncomfortably trying to get rid of her arousal for him, her need for him.

She wouldn't mind mounting that ship, Lily bit her lip anxiously hoping he'd stay undressed for longer, but a disturbance down the corridor brought her back to reality with a horrible thump and she turned around and closed the door regretfully behind her.

She walked down the corridor to where the noise had come from and suddenly began to like the idea of having James to herself all next Tuesday.

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_P.S i have tried to run out as many errors as possible but between me and Sash we couldn't find any more... so hmn yea_


	3. 500 Calories

_**Disclaimer:i own nothing - not even my undies- they belong to the goverment - ok well they dont but yea coughs dear lord - you get thepoint of this - i dont own any of this - JK does :)  
**_

_yay its here_

_Ok i know it took a while but i have two reason **1)** i had a tonne of coursework for college and since i hadn't a clue what to do - yea (stupid deadline was extended damned teacher - time wasted on nothing) **2) **i was ill last weekend and it didn't occur to me that i should post (completely my fault on that part) sowie_

_anyway ITS HERE (proofed (i hope)) if not i'll get to it soon (half term woo)_

_Reviews are appreciated :)_

**Anna xxx**

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**500 Calories**

James was standing on a stool in front of Lily, he wasn't very happy with the situation, the woman taking measurements seemed to be taking her bloody time about it and all he could do was stand there, and watch Lily flash her beautiful smile at him.

He tried to remember why he agreed to give Lily away, when recently all he wanted to do was take her back into his arms and tell her that he still loved her and that he never wanted to leave her, and that was before doing everything he could think of in the bedroom to her, with minimal foreplay.

"James you look like you're constipated," Lily laughed from her seat.

"It's not my fault my feet hurt," James replied.

"You could've used a cushion spell, but you're not that bright are you?" Lily smiled

James wanted to be playful and tickle her but it wasn't his place to tickle her, and she looked so delicate.

"Miss Evans could you please put this on," a young Madame Malkin said politely, "the changing room I just over there."

Lily took the dress with a smile, "Thank you."

James looked at her longingly as she went into the changing room, when she came out she looked like a cupcake, a beautiful cupcake with a cherry icing.

"Do you think Paul will like it," Lily asked James.

"No I don't think he'll like it, he'll love it," James replied wishing that she was going to be his bride.

"Up on the stool, we need to make those adjustments, and what are we supposed to do for Mr. Potter."

"I was think something that wouldn't clash with the dress, he's giving me away you see, since my dad can't I'm getting an old friend to do me the favour."

Neither of them noticed, but Madam Malkin had high doubt on her face, considering she had seen the pair of them walking down Diagon Alley hand in hand during their Christmas break from Hogwarts, she had even heard from the younger students' gossip that Lily Evan and James Potter had started dating.

It seemed as though the whole world knew they were perfect for each other except them.

"We have a black dress robe which would go nicely with this, although, it was designed with someone much larger than Mr. Potter so some modifications will have to be made, we can make them now if you would like."

"That'd be good," Lily said feeling stupid in her big dress, she didn't really want a big dress but it was a big wedding, which she didn't really want either. Why was she doing this?

…

Three and a half hours later, Lily and James exited Madame Malkins with James carrying the dress and his robes.

"Do you want to go and eat something," James said without thinking, "I'm starved and there's this restaurant just beyond the Leaky Cauldron that's apparently really nice."

"On the muggle side?" Lily asked worried about her dress.

"Yea, we don't have to explain why we have dry cleaning bags," James said answering the question he knew was running through her mind.

"If you have money," Lily grinned, "We can go halves."

"Sounds good," James said as they walked along the street together not realising that every other person on the wizarding road were looking at them with "Awe aren't they happy" and "don't they look just nice together" or "I wish my boyfriend would carry my things" but then again, they were mainly people who had gone to Hogwarts with them and hadn't a clue that they were in fact Just friends.

"So where are you going on your honeymoon," James asked Lily as they sat eating their Italian dinner.

"Nowhere," Lily replied slightly disappointed, "Paul hates travelling out of London so we're going to some cottage for two days."

James coughed, _no honeymoon, is that man crazy, he's marrying probably the most beautiful girl in the world, the best there ever was and there's only going to be a two day honeymoon, that's taking the piss. _"That must suck," James said trying to look sympathetic.

_If I hadn't been her ex I'd offer to take her on a honeymoon, _he thought cockily and realised what he was thinking, _but she doesn't love me probably, well at least I don't think she does, I can hope she does but that doesn't mean that she does. _

_I hate monologues running through your bloody head, go away, but she does look hot. I mean nice she looks nice._

_Who am I kidding, she's a babe, and I want to see that dress again, now but I won't will I cause the bastard was possessive of her all night._

_HA, he's insecure, chauvinistic pig. Probably, I mean I would've had that dress of her sexy little body in two minutes if I saw her in that. _

_YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND._

_I don't care, it's not like she enjoys sex or making love or whatever you want to call it. _

"James?" Lily asked no response so she clapped her hands in front of his face "Welcome back," she said as he jolted out of his trance.

"Sorry, I got lost on a thought," he mumbled.

"I was asking you if you wanted desert."

_Can they serve whipped cream and strawberries on you? _He thought "Sure why not," James replied trying to make him think of anything but what Lily would look like lying in his bed screaming his name.

Time dragged by slowly as they talked and laughed and eventually walked to Lily's old flat, where she had lived after she had broken up with James and before she moved in with Paul.

"Do you want to come in," Lily asked wanting to spend more time with him, she hadn't had so much fun in months.

"If you're T.V. still works sure." James replied not really knowing why he was agreeing to this, nothing good would come of it, but what the hell, he had moral values right?

Lily hung the dress and the robes on a door and went to sit down with James.

James began to mentally undress her, if only Grace satisfied him often enough he wouldn't' be in this damned position, he need to feel a woman's touch, preferably Lily's he wanted to slip inside her and make her is lady again, not Paul's, his.

By the I-saw-her-first-rule he should get her, but life didn't work that way unfortunately for him. Today he hated life, tomorrow for all he knew he could love it. It was too complicated for is man brain to handle philosophy, as Lily used to say.

"Does Grace know you're going to be out late?" Lily said not wanting to cause anymore insecurities in that girl.

"I told her I was going to Sirius after, if I don't turn up at Sirius' he won't care that much, probably think I died of boredom."

"And did you?"

"I had you to keep me entertained," James smiled and she smiled back at him, he melted, if only the couch was smaller, "I need a pee," he said standing up making Lily laugh as he tripped over the carpet.

While he was gone Lily stood up and looked around her old flat, soon she'd sell it and officially live with Paul, the thought should have excited her but it didn't she wanted James.

James came out of the bathroom, "You want a drink?" he asked as he walked towards the kitchen.

"You can make some tea," Lily stated as she stared at his open zipper, blinking and moving her head away as she saw his blue stripy boxers.

"Is your kitchen smaller than I remember or am I just fat?" James called out to Lily as she heard rummaging around.

"You're just fat," Lily replied laughing at him, to which an answer was a crashing noise.

"Whoops, I only broke two cups," James nervous voice came from the kitchen.

"I only own four James," Lily said getting up and going to look at the mess he'd made, "At least you didn't break the nice ones."

"Lily I can clean it up."

"You make the tea, I'll clean. You're terrible at cleaning anyway," Lily replied somewhat haughtily, realising that her kitchen wasn't made for two people to stand in, let alone move around in. She began to wonder why she had so much stuff in the god damn kitchen, when most of it didn't even belong in the kitchen.

James couldn't be bothered to argue because he knew the only way in which a private argument between Lily and himself would end would be in some extremely wrong behaviour.

"James would you stop getting in the way?" Lily said angrily.

"You told me to make tea," James replied with just as much venom.

"Well now I'm telling you to stop," Lily almost spat at him, standing so close to him never frightened her, even though she only reached his chin.

"Can't you just make up your mind?" James said quietly trying to overcome the want to kiss her senseless.

Lily couldn't speak, he was trying to not argue with her and there she was, "Just move, make the tea and I'll clean up later," she replied hoarsely.

She placed her hand on his chest trying to push him out of the way, but instead he took her hand in his own and looked directly into her eyes, she could've stopped him, knowing what he was going to do.

James let their lips touch and moved his tongue along her lips waiting for her to open her mouth, when she did he caught her lips and began to kiss her passionately_—_only for a minute. He'd only kiss her for a minute then release her.

Lily's arms wrapped themselves around his neck and her fingers began to play with his hair, his gorgeous hair.

Using the counter as leverage Lily wrapped her legs around James waist before he turned around and leant against the fridge.

His hands slipped to her waist and began to remove her shirt, he didn't care that it was wrong, that the consequences could be deadly, he just wanted her.

"This is wrong," Lily said lifting her arms as James continued to remove her shirt and kiss her neck.

"Then tell me to stop," James replied.

"I don't want you to," Lily breathed as James pushed his body into hers, and took his shirt off.

Lily pressed her hands against his chest and pushed him away from her, lowering her hands to his belt and pulled it off without much thought or care of consequence. His jeans fell to the floor to leave his stripy blue boxers, Lily grinned, laughing from the back of her throat as James proceeded to kiss her and knew that all she had to do was untie them and they'd fall off obediently.

James ignored the fact that he wouldn't be able to walk with his trousers around his feat and began to slide his hands to Lily's waist line to remove her trousers and knickers.

His hands slid up her now bare thighs and stopped, kneeling on the floor he kissed the innards of her thighs softly making Lily moan in anticipation.

"Not today," replied hoarsely knowing James loved to torture her, Lily said grabbing his hair and pulling him towards her.

"You're impatient."

"I'm desperate," Lily replied, kissing him feeling him teasing her with his mouth was enough but now she could feel him prodding her stomach, "You've got to be kidding me, just fuck me already."

James used the top of the fridge to give him support as Lily once again wrapped her leg around his hip. As he teased some more he could feel her clutching his back for support and he dipped inside of her receiving an instant response, she'd been tense.

"Oh James," she moaned in his ear, as he moved inside of her. The fridge creaking and the shelves inside shaking as their movements became more rapid.

If James had any choice in the matter they'd be lying down somewhere, the floor even but he couldn't move away from her.

"Don't hold it in," James said kissing her ear, as Lily groaned again swearing softly into his ear.

"Don't come in the kitchen," Lily said breathlessly, "Mmm."

She kissed him and he slowed as he made sure he had a hold on her and moved to the living room dining table.

James didn't quite know how he got onto the middle of the table but all he knew was it was cold, and he was on top. Lily was staring into his eyes.

"I have a bed you know," she said before she caught his mouth with her own.

"Too far," James replied through their kisses and responded to Lily's hip movements.

Lily did scream his name and clung onto him with her nails digging into his back, and their bodies rising and falling together, as James lay ontop of her exhausted.

…

Lily woke up on top of the warm chest of James among her soft sheets, he was awake and adoring her form in the darkness.

"What time is it," Lily asked sleepily, not remembering how they got into a bed.

"Half twelve."

Lily nodded into his chest and didn't want to admit that what they had done was wrong, but she didn't feel guilt as she should have done.

"Go back to sleep," James whispered into her ear, but she moved so that she was facing him.

Lily moved her whole body so that James had to hold her in his arms as she lay on top of him, she kissed him softly.

"Don't," James said softly knowing the influence Lily would have on his lower being.

Lily giggled at him, "But I want to," she said continuing, "Only this time, I'm going on top."

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_coughs no comment :P i'll post sooner next time (aka in under three weeks)_

_p.s. i do like my chapter title - ingenious dont you think (ok maybe not but...)_


	4. Grace

_**Disclaimer:** not my character blah balh lol_

_Firstly just clearing something up - previous chapter name (500 calories) if you were wondering it was about the "fact" that everytime you have you burn 500 calories - and yea it seemed appropriate mainly because i couldn't think of what else it could be and i didn't think it would be appropriate to spend a week thinking of a chapter title_

_anyway thankies for the reviews i did enjoy them very muchly_

_pwease do review this one_

_:D _

_Anna xxx_

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Graces' Secret**

Lily woke in the morning with a great big grin, feeling better than she had done in months, stretching out reaching for James, but he was gone, she was holding a pillow for comfort instead of his bare body in her arms, a pillow. That was no compensation.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Lily muttered, why she had expected James to still be in her bed, especially when he didn't belong there, not in reality anyway.

She turned over to her clock 06:05, just thinking of the time made her yawn but in the darkness she saw a scrap of white paper being propped up against her lamp.

_Maybe he went to get breakfast,_ Lily thought hopelessly.

Switching on her lamp, she shielded her eyes and took the paper waiting for them to adjust.

_Lily, _

_Gone home. Grace would get suspicious if I didn't turn up at some time during the night._

_Left around 6._

_Last night was a mistake, it didn't mean anything to me._

_Sorry._

_James_

Lily didn't know how he expected her to react, but still clutching the note she broke down and cried holding the pillow he'd slept on, in the faint hope it smelled of him.

Sobbing into her pillow wasn't going to help the fact that this note made a rude awakening in her mind, he was long over her. If sex with her didn't mean anything to him then he defiantly didn't love her. Why had she hoped that he'd see the light and convince her not to marry Paul to be with him. Deciding crying over something that wasn't meant to be was a waste of time, so Lily being Lily pulled herself out of bed and stumbled around her flat looking for her clothes.

…

James walked up to his house, guilt heavy on his heart, but what he was guilty for he wasn't quite sure.

Was it that he'd cheated on Grace? Or that he had lied to Lily when he said that what they did meant nothing to him.

They still had that same passion for each other, or was that desperation? He didn't care, he loved her, but he loved Grace too, and he lived with Grace. Lily was marrying Paul anyway.

Opening his front door, he wanted to avoid confrontation with Grace; she'd be asking where he had been what he'd been up to with his friends, to which he'd have no honest reply and today for a strange reason it wouldn't bug him that much, that he would reply.

He needed a cold shower; yeah that's what he needed, that always made him feel better.

But… Lily.

As he walked up the stairs he noticed the light in his room was still on, stupid woman could never turn off the light before she went to bed could she.

That was the problem about Grace and him being wealthy, she thought she could use his money on electricity, why he had it he couldn't remember but that was beside the point.

He pushed the door open slightly and was confronted by giggling, she was probably having one of those weird dreams of hers; he sighed and pushed the door open further.

…

_**Earlier that day…**_

"So you really think it'll work," Ben asked her kissing her neck drawing her closer.

"Love, of course it'll work, he's too stupid to think that poor little Grace, who's afraid of commitment actually doesn't have an issue with him screwing around with that red-head of his, which of course he won't because he's a loyal bastard, but once she's married to that Paul guy he won't be able to resist her, but being a good guy he'll marry me," she grinned maliciously, "and I'll just turn a blind eye until I catch them screwing."

Ben grinned at her, "My precious little Grace, you are a lovely soul, and a great fuck."

"At first I'd thought I'd prefer him, but he's too big, it's weird."

"Quality not quantity, my lovely, you know it's true," Ben whispered in her ear, "Tell me what next."

"I'll act the poor heartbroken housewife, cry a lot and demand a divorce, which is where we can get half of everything he has, and believe me love he has a lot more than a big dick. Now make love to me or I'll go crazy."

…

In front of him lay on top of _his girlfriend_ a man making her scream what ever she was screaming, until of course she noticed a new stream of light from where he stood, she sat up suddenly, pushing him off.

James didn't know which emotion was more prominent with in him, anger, and disgust, relief to some extent, and trying to get his irregular breathing he glared into her eyes.

"_My_ commitment issues, you can't possibly be more hypocritical?" James spat angrily ignoring his stupidity for not noticing all her absences at parties and her queries to how long he would be, "You're the one fucking someone else in my bed."

"James," Grace replied hysterically, "Oh thank god you came when you did, I don't even know who this guy is," she began but was silenced by James' look.

"I'm not stupid, if you're getting raped you don't scream your attackers name," he retorted angrily. "Get out of my house and take those sheets with you."

"But James," she stuttered.

"GET OUT!" he roared, "Now, pack your things and leave. When I come back and if I find anything of mine missing, you'll be hearing about it."

"James I can explain," she grabbed at him hopelessly covered in the bed sheets.

Inadvertently he slapped her across the face, he didn't much like cheats and he began to hate himself. "I don't want cock and bull explanations, if you think that by now I haven't realised that this has been going on for a while your wrong, now pack and leave, and don't touch anything that doesn't belong to you. When I get back I expect you and your boyfriend to be gone," James said stiffly turning on his heal he left.

He needed to see Lily.

…

Lily was still lying in bed, she was pathetic really. After almost two years of not being his girlfriend of not being doted on of not receiving all of his attention she still loved him and it hurt.

Although she had dressed and made herself some tea… it all started because of bloody tea. She felt like her cup – empty and cold. She debated with her self for a moment whether or not to go back to sleep or just get on with her life.

Before she even set upon a decision there was a knock on her door, "What is someone doing at half past six in the morning, which required them to knock on my door for Pete's sake," Lily muttered as she pulled herself out of bed and trundled along to her front door.

As she opened the door an exhausted looking James stood in front of her, the urge to slam the door in his face came and went.

"What do you want?" she said angrily.

"Lily I lied in that note I wrote you, last night meant everything to me and it made me realise now, more than ever that I still love you," he blurted out.

Lily stood and waited for the ability to speak, to tell him that she felt the same but something was stopping her, every time she went to open her mouth she choked.

James waited for her to say something, nothing.

He felt like he had been standing on her door step for hours, he looked into her eyes, "I shouldn't of come back," James said turning away, before turning back, "You should find someone else to give you away Lily; I can't and won't do it," he said and was gone.

Lily closed her door and broke down in tears, she sunk against it and sobbed freely wishing she could've said I love you too when it mattered the most but she couldn't. Now feeling as though she wouldn't be able to breath without James she knew she had to do something apart from sit and cry.

But until she got her inability out of her system she's just sit on her floor and weep.

…

As James apparated away from her flat, all he felt was broken. When they had broken up before it was mutual they agreed it wasn't going to work, but now they had changed, they fought but over pointless things that didn't really matter and the only reason why was because they still loved each other.

James knew Lily still loved him by the look in her eyes when he told her but why didn't she say it back, why damn it, couldn't she see that with him she'd been ten time happier than with Paul?

For the first time in years James fought the tears away from his eyes, he needed help, but he couldn't go to Sirius who'd end up hating Lily even though it wasn't his fault.

Remus might understand if he wasn't so bloody heartbroken.

Peter was useless.

Abigail would kill him for telling Lily he loved her three weeks before her wedding.

His parents, they'd probably rant and rave but they'd give him somewhere to stay until he figured out what he wanted to do.

So he went home and packed enough to not have to return for more than a month and out of a draw he took out a small black box that would never be given to the rightful girl. No one deserved the ring but Lily.

A tear trickled down his cheek as pocketed it and left his home, for what would probably end up as forever. The chances that he would return to live there were slim to none, everything in the house reminded him of Lily, from the tiles on the roof where they had sat looking at the stars to the floor downstairs where they had spent nights laying by the fire, but that was all gone and done and he could do nothing about it.

…

Lily didn't know what to do so in her time of need she turned to her best friend, Abigail would help her right.

Impatience took over her and she banged on her front door, when she heard swearing she stopped.

"What the hell," Abigail began but stopped when she saw Lily, "You look like shit, what's wrong," she gazed at Lily's puffy eyes and Lily walked automatically to her kitchen.

"I've done a bad, bad thing," Lily mumbled, "And don't make tea."

"Orange juice then?" Abigail asked switching the kettle off.

"Yea."

"So what's this bad thing?" Abigail said softly sitting opposite Lily.

"I slept with James," Lily said quickly leaving Abigail staring at her.

"What in God's name made you do that?"

"Tea," Lily replied dumbly.

"Lily think!" Abigail said loudly.

"He came back to my place after the fitting, and he went to make tea and he smashed some cups and I got angry and we argued and then he kissed me and started to undress me," Lily sighed, "and the next thing I remember is telling him not to come in the kitchen so he lay us down on the dining table," Lily stopped and looked at her friend.

Babble, hopeless heart ache babble, Abigail should be used to this by now, but Lily's mind worked in mysterious ways and all she could do was be there for her.

"But that's not the main thing, he left saying in a note it meant nothing and then came back half an hour saying that he loved me, and I just stood there and didn't say anything."

Abigail said nothing; Sirius was right and usually when Sirius was right people got hurt.

"Oh I wanted to tell him I loved him but I couldn't say it. Abs why could I say it," she cried and sobbed.

Abigail tried to comfort her friend, but nothing seemed to work, the girl had broken her own heart, and it pained her to see her like this.

"Why don't you go and talk to James then?"

"He's gone," Lily mumbled, "I went to his house, his shelves are empty he's gone."

There was a pop in the hall.

"EVANS," Sirius bellowed, "Why, why the hell did you make him leave?"

"I didn't make him leave," a distraught Lily replied.

"Then why the hell is gone?"

"I don't know Sirius and why do you assume it had something to do with me?"

"Because," Sirius began, "Well because I do, he came round and said something about going away because he said something stupid to someone and Lily to be honest it's not that hard to figure him out after knowing him for seventeen years."

"He shouldn't of said it," Lily said weakly, "It was neither the time nor place, well place doesn't really make a difference but his proclamation of what seems to be undying love for me is a bit fucking late Sirius."

"He what?" Sirius said sitting down next to Abigail.

"He said he loved me and that screwing me senseless wasn't a mistake last night, and I couldn't say that I loved him back, hell I wanted to but I couldn't Sirius, I couldn't say it I choked every time I tried," Lily said looking at him helplessly tears streaming down her cheeks, she groaned, "What am I going to do?"

"You could go after him Lily," Abigail said.

"And what if I find him and he tells me that he didn't mean to say that to me?"

"Lily you know James doesn't do things that rash and you know it." Sirius reminded her.

"So what I am supposed to up and leave despite the fact that I've made a promise to Paul?" Lily stuttered.

"That promise is damned to hell Lily, you had sex with James, the only way it wouldn't be damned to hell would be if you regretted it and from what I see you don't," Abigail said sympathetically.

"So you have to options, forget that you and James ever happened and go through with your wedding or go after James."

"What should I do?"

Abigail and Sirius looked at each other nodded and Sirius said, "We know what we want you to do, but what do you in you heart of hearts want to do?"

Lily looked at them blankly and didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream.

In the end she did all three one by one until she knew what she was going to do.

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reviews greatly appreciated :D

chapter 5 can um maybe take some more time a bit busy next week


	5. Another Broken Heart

**_Discalimer: i do not own any of the JK character etc - im also suprisingly lazy when writing these_**

**Horay! **

_ok so we have chapter 5 - w00t _

_firstly i'd like to apologise for my tardiness two main reason - one exam results so uh yea i was a bit worried - second i don't really have a second so i'll blame it on school :D_

_secondly i'd like to thank everyone for reviewing i did enjoy them :D hope you do so again :P_

_anna xxx_

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**Another Broken Heart**

"James you have to get out of the house," his mother urged from the door.

"Nope."

"You can't spend the rest of your life thinking about what could have been," she told him, pointlessly.

"Can and will," James replied in the same monotone he had adapted.

"Why don't you go and talk to her then, tell her how you feel."

"I did, she didn't say anything in response, which is Lily code for 'sorry but I don't agree' or something to that effect."

"Then go and talk to her again James," she urged.

"If she's happy with Paul I'm happy, or at least I'll pretend to be."

"James just go out so I can clean your room."

"Nope."

"I'll make lots of sugar cookies if you do," she bribed.

James damned his mother and her damned sugar cookies, "Fine." Damned bribery.

…

"Oh, he's cute though," Danni giggled to her friends.

"He's been there all day, well for the past hour anyway, I haven't seen a man consume so much alcohol and ask for more since, well, since my mother died," Trinity scowled, "So don't go try anything. I'm going to see what's up with him."

James was about to ask for another when the girl looked at him, and handed him an orange juice.

"That first before I serve you anything else," Trinity smiled at him, "And perhaps I can give you someone to talk to?"

"Unless you can conjure up a girl with curly red hair, emerald green eyes and the most beautiful smile on earth, called Lily, then no," James mumbled gulping the juice down, "Can I have another shot now," he slurred.

"Why'd she leave you?"

"She didn't, well actually… I don't know anymore, but she's getting married tomorrow so, hooray!" James said quietly earning a sympathetic glance from her.

"Didn't I see you a couple years ago with a red-head making out in a booth?" Trinity asked, absent minded.

"Probably, we went out a lot," James said reminiscent of their past, "you know what's really sad?" he hiccupped, "I was gunna propose and all I bought her a ring and everything, and then we just fell apart, you know?"

"You know, I don't know and I seriously think you've had enough to drink," Trinity mumbled as Danni was coming up to the bar. She rolled her eyes and walked away.

…

Lily, half conscious, felt James kissing her shoulder, she smiled as she remembered the previous evening.

He had turned up, just as she was going to bed, either half way between drunk or sober, Lily wasn't sure and she didn't really give a damn, he had turned up and that mattered.

Giggling, Lily remained still as he kissed his way down her back. She was inwardly groaning at the wrongness of the action but at the moment it was too good.

It was her wedding day and he was most definitely not supposed to be loving her up like he was, oh how she would pay for this when she died.

Suddenly, she lay on her back, feeling James caressing her bare legs and kissing her thighs softly, she wished he'd stop but took that back as he began kissing her innards, before slowly making his way up to her navel moving his tongue around it slowly.

Being ticklish Lily giggled and suddenly her mouth was taken by his, before he decided to frantically kiss her neck.

"James stop it," she whispered unwillingly.

"Uh-uh," he responded as he teased her, staring into her eyes.

Lily wrapped her arms around his neck kissing him passionately, as he plunged into her, she clung to him helplessly as she withered with utmost pleasure underneath him, "Don't stop," she muttered as he slowed for a second.

He willingly continued to until her body became ridged with pleasure and her nails dug into his back and she called out his name, making him grin with delight that he pleased her so well.

He kissed her nose, or rather slobbered on it and continued to do so with out purpose.

"James stop it," Lily mumbled her eyes closed, "stop," he didn't. "I said stop," Lily said opening her eyes, "Damn Amber," Lily said wiping her nose clean from cat saliva.

A knock on her door awakened a pounding headache as she sat up in bed, _what day was it again_, oh right.

She was getting married to Paul today, so why was she having erotic dreams about James, maybe it wasn't a dream.

She looked down at her body.

No, it was a dream, she was wearing clothes.

The person or people at the door were getting impatient as the pounding increased, "OK, I'm coming," she called out picking up Amber as she left her bed.

Lily opened the door to see Abigail and Sirius she rolled her eyes, "Why are you here?" Lily asked dumbly.

"Because you were supposed to be at my place an hour ago and we got worried," Abigail said, looking at Lily concerned.

"I overslept and I have a hangover, I think."

"Sirius go get some food, while I sort Lily out," Abigail said as she led a zombie like Lily into her living room.

Lily looked at Abigail, holding Amber in her arms, "I had a dream he was here," Lily whispered hoarsely as though she was having second thoughts.

"Who? James or Paul?"

"James," Lily hiccupped, "I know it was probably because of the alcohol but, is it wrong to say that I enjoyed it?"

"Lily, you made your choice so stick with it!" Abigail said, "Now come on, we have to get you ready," she added marching Lily into her bedroom plunking her down in front of the vanity mirror.

…

Sirius was standing in front of her, looking at her face while Abigail waited for the all clear.

"You ok?" he asked, trying to sound sympathetic.

Instead of giving him a direct answer Lily nodded, she felt like a teacake in her dress. It was far too big for her liking but since Paul's parents were paying for the wedding she had no choice in the size of the dress just the design.

She felt too nervous to open her mouth; it seemed as though her lack of knowing what she wanted was getting to her.

Her dream about James hadn't helped her state of mind either…

The urge to run away from what she was about to do, become Lily Keystone.

_That doesn't sound too great Lily Keystone._

_Lily Potter, _her mind wandered, _that goes, _and she choked, she most definitely did not just think about James ten minutes before her wedding was to begin she did not, absolutely did not happen.

"Lily you look a little green."

"I need some air," Lily said and rushed to the door to lean against the church wall, trying to calm her breathing.

_I love Paul, not James, I love Paul, not James, I LOVE PAUL. Damn it. I chose him not James, I am not going to regret my decision, I am not._

Abigail came outside, to join Lily, "Are you alright?" she asked softly.

"Yea I'm fine just a bit overwhelmed you know," Lily said breathing in.

"Are you coming Lily? Everyone's ready," Sirius said sticking his head out the door.

"Yea coming," Lily said following Sirius, _I'm not ready though but then again it's probably just nerves._

…

Lily stood in front of Paul, listening to him say his vows and she was crying, desperately trying to not let her tears fall. What was worse she didn't know whether she was crying because she was happy or because Paul wasn't James.

She remembered how happy he had been when she had told him James wouldn't be giving her away, Sirius would. Despite his efforts to hide his happiness, it was safe to say that he was pleased.

"I," Lily began and stumbled over her words, she couldn't get married without the knowledge of one thing, so she paused and looked deeply into his eyes.

"Lily?" he whispered quietly.

"I… I… oh holy cow," she mumbled, "need to talk to you."

"Now?" he asked her under his breath.

"Yes, now," Lily replied, almost glaring at him, he looked at the priest and pointed towards a door.

Sighing and shaking his head Paul led Lily away from the shocked congregation towards the door where they could talk

Once Paul had shut the door Lily found something to support her. "What's wrong?"

"I need to know something Paul," Lily said weakly.

"Couldn't it of waited till after the wedding?"

"No," Lily said trying her hardest to control her emotions, "Marriage is supposed to be a life long thing and I can't and won't go through life being with someone who…" Lily paused to gather her thoughts, "Paul if I asked you to do something for me, would you do it, no questions asked?"

"What?"

"Answer the question," Lily said impatiently.

"Yea, but I mean there'd be boundaries."

Lily stopped to think of something that was important to him… his job, "If I asked you to quit your job to be with me, would you do it?"

Paul gawped at her, she knew how he felt about his work, he had spent his entire life dreaming of being where he was, how could he give it up for her? "No, Lily I wouldn't but why would you ask me to do that? I mean it's not like you would, because it's absurd are you feeling alright, are you sure its not just hormones?"

Lily wanted to scream, "Hormones? Are you asking if I'm on my period or something because that is completely," Lily breathed frustrated, "I don't even know what to call that, but no I'm not, I'm trying to be serious here. If I was on my deathbed and I asked you as my dieing wish would you do it?"

"Why would you want me to?"

"It's not a question of why Paul, just would you?"

"Lily I couldn't, I've been…"

"I can't be with someone who loves their job more than they love me," Lily said weakly, anger dissipating.

"Where will you find a man who loves you more than anything in the world?" Paul asked her.

"I just need to know where to look, because he already loves me," Lily mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"James?" he asked as she past him.

"Yea, and you know the funny thing? I do still love him, I think I was just too preoccupied with all this, I just forgot what I really wanted, goodbye Paul."

"So you're leaving me to pick up the pieces?"

"I'll run out crying and you won't have to explain, just say it was mutual," Lily said her hand on the door.

"But it isn't."

"It is, you don't really love me, a husband should love a wife, you love me because I'm willing to give you what you want, a family, but you wouldn't give me what I wanted if I asked," Lily replied stiffly, "Now if you excuse me I have to go make a scene."

"Lily," Paul said as she pushed the door, "I do love you, but obviously not in the way you want me to and you know I can't change that. I'm sorry."

"Me too," Lily said smiling composing herself and running out the room leaving Paul alone.

He sat down on a stool and watched Lily leave him, he knew he'd find someone else though, he was rich and good looking, and girls weren't that hard to come by.

…

Sirius looked at Abigail, who looked at Sirius, who looked at Lily running down the isle.

"Did she just quit the wedding?" Sirius whispered to Abigail.

"Um yea I think she did and you owe me fifteen galleons," she smiled, "We'd better go after her."

As they walked down the aisle towards the door of the church a low murmur began to rise within the church.

"I suggest we walk faster," Abigail whispered in Sirius ear as they began to walk faster.

"Lily! Wait up," Sirius called as they ran down the church stairs.

"What are you doing?" Abigail said panting, breathless from the run.

Lily looked at them with tears in her eyes, "I love James, I really, really do and I can't marry someone else when all I can think about is James. I'm going to find him, tell him I'm sorry or whatever. I," Lily stammered, her shaking hand wiping her eyes, "I just need to find him."

"We'll help," Abigail said, Sirius nodding in agreement, "First I think we need to get changed."

"Yea," Lily sniffed, "And, eat something."

…

Some three hours later, all the places that James liked they could think of and no sign of him.

Lily sat in front of the fire at Abigail's house, looking blankly in to her hot chocolate.

"Isn't she supposed to be at a party or something?" Christopher, Abigail's boyfriend said from the door of the living room.

"Yea, well, she changed her mind, and we can't find James so she's slowly giving up on herself, she's had that hot chocolate for half an hour, and hasn't drunk any of it," Abigail said as Chris wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her closer to him.

"You lot had dinner?"

"No," Sirius mumbled looking sympathetically at Lily.

"I'll order something, then."

There was a murmur of approval from both Lily and Sirius.

"We haven't checked his house," Lily said suddenly.

"He's not there hun," Abigail said, an edge of nervousness in her voice. "He packed up and left."

"Well maybe there's something there that says where he went."

"Why don't we check in the morning?" Sirius said, "I mean by the time we've had dinner it'll be getting on a bit and then it might take a while to find anything, and it's been a stressing day enough, you should rest."

"Sirius is right," Abigail said hastily.

"What are you not telling me?" Lily said angrily.

"Nothing, its just we're worried about you Lily."

Lily glared at both of them and huffed angrily before grabbing her coat and disappearing.

"Sirius you idiot," Abigail said before she too disappeared.

…

As Lily looked on at the house that she once lived in, tears silently rolled down her cheeks.

A large plastic For Sale sign stood imbedded in an empty grass patch on the front lawn. Devastation was one way of describing what Lily felt, when she saw the sign. The more she looked at it the more she hurt, blinking, once, twice and then a third time, to make sure she knew what she was seeing was real. Her heart was breaking, to think she believed James when he had said he loved her.

"Why didn't you tell me he was selling the house?" Lily mumbled quietly to Abigail.

"Because," Abigail breathed, "I didn't want you to get upset."

Lily wiped the tears away from her eyes making clearance for fresh tears. "Why though? He said he still loves me then why is he selling the house?"

"Why don't you set up an appointment, to buy the house and get the real estate agent to get James to give you a personal tour of the house and its history and crap like that and ask him," Sirius said from behind them, "I know I'm a pain in the arse, some ok most of the time, but you have to agree it's a good idea."

Lily turned around and looked at him, she smiled, "Tomorrow is always a new day I guess, but he'd better have a good reason for selling all my god damned work," Lily said smiling, hoping beyond hope that James really did love her, otherwise she had just thrown away the rest of her life.

Foolish as she felt, Lily old herself that there was a perfectly good explanation for James selling her house, there had to be, otherwise she had made the biggest mistake of her life.

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_P.S. one to two chapters left i'm afraid (awww) :( lol _


	6. No Going Back

**disclaimer:** this is Jk's and so on a so forth

_ahhh sorry about the wait i had some trouble with this. I couldn't get it to sound right, and still not very happy about it its the best version i've churned out_

anyway thankies for all your reviews - hope you review more :D really do appreciate it

Anna

xxx

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**No Going Back**

James stood in front of his house, though hopefully it wouldn't be for much longer. He hated to think that he would have to live there without Lily. It was, after all, what it was because of her.

Yawning he walked up to the front door, wondering why the prospective buyer had wanted to meet him. He personally thought it was stupid but after being harassed by his mother that he should be concerned with who moves into the house he and Lily had bought, he decided it would be easier to agree with her than to fight with her.

Opening the door, he wandered into the kitchen, opening the fridge out of habit; he shook his head and closed the fridge door.

A thud form upstairs brought his attention to the fact that whoever wanted to meet him was already in the house. Sighing he started to make his way upstairs.

He walked down the corridor looking for an open door; to his surprise it was his bedroom door that was open.

James stood in shock as he saw Lily lying on his bed; he knocked on the door frame and leaned against it, "Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?"

"Well, yea," she replied sitting up, "but aren't you glad I'm here?"

"Why are you here?" Lily didn't answer but patted the bed beside her; James obediently went to sit beside her. "Now will you tell me?"

"Well," she whispered kissing his ear and moving her hand up his chest. "I do still love you and I was wondering," Lily said sitting on his lap and staring into his eyes, "If maybe we could give it another shot."

She let their lips touch gently as his arms wound their way around her waist.

He let her push him down onto the bed and kiss him while her fingers worked at his shirt buttons. James rolled them over so that he was on top and he pushed them further onto the bed so that their feet weren't dangling off the edge of the bed.

Kissing her more passionately than he had that night three weeks ago, James let his hands lift the bottom of her shirt and run his hands up her perfectly smooth body removing her shirt, at the same time she removed his shirt and grabbed his hands intertwining his fingers with hers.

James lifted himself and grinned at her, as he pulled his hands away and unbuttoned her trousers pulling them down slowly, while Lily giggled as her knickers went with her trousers.

James smiled, pulling off his own underwear before lying back down on top of Lily and kissing her neck softly, teasing her, while she writhed beneath him, her body begging him to enter her.

As he slipped himself inside her, her hands moved along his shoulders and gripped them tightly as he kissed her, their tongues softly playing with each other.

Their bodies moved together rising and falling as they became more passionate at their peaks, before slowly falling asleep tangled in the bed sheets.

…

James was rudely woken up, by the floor, he groaned. Sitting up on the floor he looked at an empty bed. For a moment James was confused, hadn't he gone to his house and met Lily there, unmarried and wanting him.

"James!" his mother called from the other side of the door.

No he definitely wasn't at his house; he was where he had been for most of the last three weeks, with his mum.

"Are you up? You don't want to be late for that buyer," she said through the door, "I've made breakfast, so when your ready come down."

"What day was it yesterday?" James yelled before his mother walked away from the door.

"Lily's wedding, but then again I'm not surprised you don't remember, you were too drunk to do anything."

"Oh right," James mumbled.

Lying on the floor of his room, James wondered what kind of a mistake he had made by not doing as his beloved mother had told him.

If you love her so much, then go tell her for Christ's sake. I've told you over and over again, don't let her be the one who got away and spend the rest of your life hating yourself for it.

He already hated himself, dreaming of her sleeping with him was most defiantly not a good thing. Lily was taken, married even, and on a two stinking day honeymoon.

Paul didn't deserve her; he was too work-involved, he'd probably never have time for Lily. James grinned for a moment it was wrong but maybe just maybe he and Lily could have an affair together.

Unfortunately for James he would have to face Paul at work on either Monday or Tuesday, neither were appealing but James was not about to give up his job to keep his pride.

Sitting up to the smell of bacon slowly drifting up from downstairs James groaned and pulled himself up off the floor preparing for whatever kind of headache would hit him.

Mrs. Potter smiled at her son as he entered the kitchen, "Orange juice and hangover potion are on the table."

"I'd rather have coffee but thanks," James mumbled gulping down the potion and quickly proceeded to gulp the orange juice.

"My poor baby," she smiled sympathetically with a teasing tone.

"Yea, yea I brought it on my self," James said taking the bacon off the frying pan and to the table.

"I never said that."

"You thought it, and don't tell me you didn't."

"What's wrong now?"

James looked at his mother, who as always never failed to surprise him with her knowledge of his moods. "I dreamt about her last night. That she didn't get married, that she was with me, that she loved me like she used to. Why is everything so god damned hard?" James said suddenly losing his appetite for bacon.

"What do you mean child?"

"It took me three years to convince Lily that I had genuine feelings for her and to go out with me, and for the most part while we were dating it was great and then we left Hogwarts and her parents died and it just stopped being good. We fought all the time cause we never saw each other, so we bought a house together and then we fought because, well I don't even know why. It was always over something stupid, and then one day Lily said it just wasn't working and I couldn't argue with her mum," James sighed.

"She looked at me and I could tell it was hurting her, all the fights and stuff, so I just let it slide and agreed, bought her half of the house and it was over."

"No one said love was easy James."

"I know it's not mum, but it shouldn't be so hard. For however long I'll say I'm fine with just being friends I won't be, because it's not enough for me, I don't just want her in my life I want her in my life with me."

"Then don't sell the house," his mother said staring at him.

"Why? I can't live in it, knowing that she's married to someone else. It's too much of a 'what if', you know?"

"James," his mother sighed, "Have you ever thought that you and lily just gave yourselves a reason to end? By fighting all the time."

"No. I tried to fix it mum you know I did."

"Then you need to talk to Lily and find out why and move on for Christ's sake."

…

Lily stood in what used to be her kitchen wondering what went wrong, between her and James all that time ago.

She was early and by the way it looked James was going to be late, not that it surprised her or anything, but then again when they were dating, whenever James was late he'd always make up for it, by giving her a flower, puppy dog eyes or just pulling her into his body and kissing her senseless or holding her tight in his arms resting his cheek on her head until she forgave him.

It was then Lily realised that sometimes she never wanted to say "I forgive you" or smile at him while he handed her a pink rose, kiss him on the cheek and tell him it was ok that because he was here now, simply because she wanted his undying attention.

James would give her that until she had told him it was alright, that she wasn't angry at him, and then he'd be exempt, because James couldn't, deny feeling guilty until he had her forgiveness.

The problem with James was that he could have any woman in the world at the snap of his fingers. So what if he found a smarter, funnier, prettier more something than she was and he left her. Or that maybe one day he'd get bored of being with her, bored of her, and his love for her would die and he left.

As Lily stalked around the kitchen to vent off some of her frustration, only to no avail, and then staring at the picked glass in front of her, she suddenly realised a cruel truth. It was something her subconscious had never really wanted to admit to so it had therefore never really bothered her. She stood in horror as the magnitude of her action filtered through her veins.

Lily gulped down the rise of feelings she had as she realised and accepted for the first time in her life that it was because of her insecurity that they'd separated. She had thought his love hadn't been strong enough to withstand the temptations that life threw at him and not take them because he loved her more than life itself.

She thought for a second where they would be if they hadn't fought all them time, she hoped that they'd be married with a baby and perhaps another on the way, that was all she wanted from him, the promise of commitment, a family of their own.

And as a tear rolled down her cheek Lily's anger came back, simply because James couldn't commit to keeping the house she had fixed for them, painted, decorated and furnished, there was no way he loved her.

Lily didn't know what to expect when she saw the front door moving, somehow, all of a sudden it seemed like a really bad idea, she wanted to bolt but like a rabbit under headlights she stood frozen, until James looked at her.

…

James walked up to his house, a house that had created so many memories that he had held close, memories he so badly didn't want to remember because of the pain they brought with them.

As he walked up to the house he wondered if his mother had been right, to not sell the house and hold on to the memory of Lily for dear life and hope to god that one day she would come to her senses and come back to him, or alternatively get over Lily and get on with his life.

Standing outside his own front door, for a moment he considered not going it, to hell with the buyers, but then again, his only true want was for Lily to be happy, and if she was happy without him then so be it. He'd sell the house and spend the rest of his life working leaving nothing to anyone but Sirius, Remus and Peter, the only people he could truly rely on.

Well maybe not so much Peter but that was beside the point, slightly.

He sighed knowing full well that if he turned the door handle there was no going back. Why was he doing this to himself, she didn't love him, it was well and truly over between them, he needed closure.

James shook his head and opened the door, preparing himself to spend the next however many hours talking to people he didn't know about the house and what not, which if truth be told he wasn't too happy about.

And yet… nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

James didn't know how to react; he gawped to say the least. How the hell was he supposed to get over her if she was standing in his kitchen, looking so cute and…

For a moment the world stopped for him, on one side she was standing in front of in his kitchen, just there for him to take and on the other was the nagging feeling that he should really be thinking about Paul his fellow worker… screw Paul.

Somehow regaining his voice James went down the path he least wanted to, "What are you doing here?"

Lily looked at him, then at her feet, and at him again, "You're selling MY house," she said angrily.

"Your house," James said, despite contemplating selling it, the last time he had check the house was fully his, "Last time I checked Lily, this was my house," he said softly, "And anyway I thought you'd be on your honeymoon."

James was subject jumping, "I bailed," Lily said curtly trying to ignore the fact that she knew it was her fault she was here, that she alone had brought it upon herself. Just her and her insecurities. "It may be your house by right, but I made it was it is now."

James was tempted to argue with her but he didn't want to, he had had his fill of arguing with her about everything, when they had been a couple. "Can we cut the crap and get to why are you here, and I mean really, why are you here?"

Lily began to fidget, James almost smiled, Lily always fidgeted when she had to explain something that she really didn't want to, or was about to do something she was unsure about. Restraining the temptation to smile and walk towards her and pull her into his arms telling her everything would be alright but he couldn't it wasn't his place to, and he knew if he did nothing good would come of it.

"Well," James urged her beginning to feel agitated; he was usually patient but not today and not now.

Lily looked at him, she really didn't want to tell him why she was here. She had learnt that at the best of times James was the most unpredictable person she knew and that was what had made her fall in love with him in the first place, and then it was the thing that drove her insane every night he wasn't at home by the time he said he would be because of her paranoia that he was having an affair.

"I just thought that if you loved me you wouldn't sell the house."

James laughed harshly, "And I thought that if you loved me you would have said so that night."

Lily suddenly felt guilty, at least even more than she already did. She looked at the floor, "I promised someone something James. I keep my promises," Lily said and James looked at her, "I almost went through with it, and don't give me that look. I would have gone through with it as well if it wasn't for…" Lily paused, she felt like she was committing suicide

"Wasn't for what? That he's a work-aholic who never made time for you, that even if he did he cancelled or bailed out half way through?"

"Wasn't for you," Lily said weakly.

James looked at her stunned, he had spent the last two weeks convincing himself she didn't love him and now… he didn't know what to think, he walked past her and sat down on a chair. "If it wasn't for me then why did we break up in the first place, cause hell I know I didn't want to but hey why the hell not and just be friends?" James asked her his head in his hands.

"I was scared." Lily said blinking away a tear.

"Of what Lily?" James asked angrily, "That'd I'd magically one day stop loving you? That someone would be better than you? What didn't you understand? Why didn't you understand?"

Lily looked at him blankly, he had known why they had broken up all this time and had said nothing to her. "I just thought… I wanted… I don't know James, I just did alright," and she slipped a tear ran down her cheek and her anger dissolved. "I just wanted you to never let me go, when you screwed up. I wanted to know that you were always going to be mine, and I guess that I thought you were too good for me."

"Lily I moved in with you because you kept fussing that we never saw each other, and then every time I screwed something up you'd have a go at me, but it didn't matter to me that you were angry, I just wanted to be with and why you couldn't see that I don't know."

James got up to leave, he really didn't feel like comforting her, he wanted to but for the first time in his life he wasn't sure who was in the wrong, all he wanted was for her to ask him to stay.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked him staring at his back as he walked away from her, "James?" she asked louder, "Answer me! Where are you going?" her voice was strained and tears strolled gently down her cheeks, she didn't want him to leave her, she didn't want him to be angry with her, she didn't want to have to live her life without him, "James, please don't go," Lily mumbled and he stopped, and with his hand still on the front door handle he turned around.

"Why? Why shouldn't I just leave and get on with my life? Why?"

"Because I love you James," Lily said sniffing waiting for him to smile. Nothing. "I love you and I can't live my life without you." Still Lily got no response from him.

Not being able to live without someone and loving them was not the same to wanting to be with them, at least to James it wasn't. All he needed to know was if she wanted to be with him, not if she needed to because she couldn't live without him, it was as simple as that.

Lily took his hand, she knew he wanted her to say something specific but what it might be she couldn't possibly fathom. If she asked him, and he told her it would defeat all purpose of her saying it. Staring into his eyes frantically searching for an answer, more tears rolled down her cheek.

James was hurting her and he knew it, he didn't want to but he needed to know if she wanted him, like she had wanted him before. All she needed to do was say it, say that she wanted him in her life. It was simple.

He squeezed her hand, Lily hung her head, "James," she said weekly, "No, don't…" she mumbled as he began to walk away, and doing so slowly breaking her heart.

And despite this she knew one thing, he loved her and he always would, she knew that much by looking into his eyes but what did he want her to say, why he was shutting her out the way he was, was a mystery to her.

So as Lily watched James walk out of the front door, there was nothing to stop her from crying, and no one to hold her as sobs wrecked her whole body.

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**p.s** and if you haven't guessed yes there is one more chapter, it'd be cruel to not have one 


	7. Just Yourself to Blame

**disclaimer: not mine yaddy yaddy - jk's sigh oh do i wish it were mine**

_well its up and yes i know it took forever but my mother went on the a girl must learn to cook stage and had me helping out and then i had to study and well basically lazyness and not knowing what to write no typing_

_anna_

_pwease review - i love you all lots and lots (although you probably hate me for taking so long) still lots of love from me :D_

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**Just Yourself to Blame**

James sat bouncing a tennis ball off his office wall. He should have been, when he thought about it, unclogging his desk from the tonne of paper that had accumulated since he had gone on his "vacation" but the sheer amount of it was disturbing enough, let alone his nagging conscience.

Yet, considering his state of mind he thought it best to not to start work until he had managed to take control of his annoyance and enlightened himself to what actual feelings he should be feeling, anger or hurt.

The biggest problem was that he _knew_ Lily didn't know what he had wanted her to say to him, but he saw what he needed to know in her eyes, and it bothered him beyond hope that he had wanted and needed verbal acknowledgement from her that she wanted him, it was the first time he had ever demanded the words. Thus, giving him even more reason to be annoyed at himself, for needing those words.

He held the bright yellow ball in his hands, clamping it in his palms while 'gently' leaning his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling. He damned himself. He damned himself for complicating things which were already complicated, making his life twice as hard as it need to have been.

Deciding that losing Lily and losing his job in the space of a month was not desirable, so aiming for the bin he threw the yellow ball, which bounced amazingly from the rim and into the bin. Well even if he had lost everything, he still had his Quidditch skills. Although thinking about it throwing the ball away would be a pain since his breaks would have to involve getting up for entertainment, he fetched the ball back.

As he began to sort through the papers the office door clicked open and the one person he had been hoping to avoid came into the room and sat himself down at his very empty desk.

"Hey James, had a good time off?"

"Yea, you know me," James said hoping he could get Paul off the subject. "How was the honeymoon?"

"So you haven't heard?" Paul said astounded.

"Heard what? Did something happen?" James asked, it was best to act clueless when you were the villain.

"Lily walked out on me, for you I think," he said scratching his head. "Strange thing is I'm not upset about it. I mean I thought I loved her."

"Love, such a complicated thing," James said playing with the ball in his hands swinging back on his chair.

"So you haven't seen her?" Paul asked, "Cause well I mean I'd like to talk to her about the wedding payments."

_How thick can he be? _James thought silently "Um, well," James said trying to not laugh, "I think considering you're not that upset about her leaving, it'd be best if you left things the way they are," James said, looking at his desk, "You know what, I'm going to go home for today so I'll take some of this with me, it'll be easier to do at home," James lied smiling at Paul, "Well if I see Lily I'll say hi." James grabbed a pile of papers and left the office.

…

"He was with her for over a year and he didn't love her, Sirius. He was marrying her to have his kids and that's it, she's beautiful and smart and he wants those attributes in his kids," James yelled.

"Chill out James," Sirius said as the tennis ball was thrown at his face. "_Really_ chill out, I mean she left him right. Lily isn't with him and she would be with you if you hadn't been so frickin stupid."

"I know Sirius, I know, but how could he not love her. HOW? Lily is almost perfect in everyway and I know she has her flaws but hell I love her flaws because well Lily isn't Lily without them," James said sitting at his kitchen table, "WHY did I screw it up!"

"Because you're James Potter?" Sirius asked smiling at him, while James laughed as all his hopes drained away.

…

Lily sat eating through her second tub of ice-cream, she loved James but she didn't understand why he wanted her to say something specific. Love had always been enough before…

"Lily," Abigail said coming into the room, "You have to talk to him."

"What so he can push me away again?"

"You hurt him, by not saying that you loved him when he did you hurt him, and well seeing you with Paul all the time didn't do much for him either. He loves you and you were both angry when you last saw him so maybe you should just go and see him and talk."

"I don't want to, I just want him in my life, I need him in my life."

"Lily what will you always need him for? And what will you always want him for?" Abigail said smiling softly taking the empty ice-cream tub from her

"I don't know why I need him, I just feel like he completes me, and I'll always want because he knows how to make me feel better when there's just a dead end in front of me. Like when I couldn't figure out how to do something in transfiguration and I'd give up; he'd pick me up and show me how to do it and then make me try until I got it right because he knew that I'd feel better and well he'd get thanked a lot for it," Lily smiled, "but he did it for me."

"Then why don't you go tell him that?"

"Because," Lily said, "I'm afraid he'd find it stupid."

…

James had never been particularly afraid of anything in his life except being alone, and that's what he was now. Alone. And it terrified him.

Admittedly he wasn't alone in the fact of having good friends around and his mother was still alive but it wasn't that kind of alone he was afraid of. James Potter was afraid of being alone in the sense that when he died he wouldn't have a wife who would grieve or children that surrounded his bed as he drew his final breath.

He wanted someone he would love for the rest of his life, someone he could dote on incessantly without cause, someone who would say _I love you_ for no reason at all and most of all someone who would just be there even when things went pear shaped.

In truth James was afraid of what his grave would say about him, in his dreams he wanted it to say, _James Potter – Loving husband and father rests here _– or something to that effect, and preferably he wanted his wife to lay for eternity next to him, and he wanted Lily to be that woman, but as the situation stood, his life was shattered.

Sighing he leaned back on his sofa and stared at the ceiling, _I'm becoming to familiar with this ceiling_, he thought sourly, and he knew why he was becoming familiar with the ceiling his regret for being afraid she would have said no, even when everyone around him said otherwise.

…

Lily had spent the day listening to Abigail, ignoring her advice and listening to it again, and finally after much deliberation and guidance Lily had been told what to do, the only problem was what was she going to say.

"What if I sound stupid?"

"He'll laugh it off and kiss you and tell you you're wonderful. Lily I don't see your problem the man adores you beyond human reason, why are you so afraid?"

"I don't know."

Abigail rolled her eyes, no matter how much you love your friends they still find a way to tick you off, "You love and you want him and he loves you and wants you, right?" Lily nodded somewhat apprehensively but she nodded, "Then I don't see your problem. You two are old enough to have a conversation that doesn't lead to sex."

"Generally that's only arguments."

"Then don't argue now go before you turn back into a pumpkin!"

Lily rolled her eyes and left.

…

His neck hurt, he had been staring at the ceiling for over an hour so now he was staring at the floor. He rubbed his neck as he heard the door click open and softly close again. He groaned, Sirius was probably back to annoy him to go out and have "fun", although Sirius sense of fun involved getting to drunk to walk, he sighed, and conceded.

"I'm in here," he said looking up to see Lily appear in the doorway.

Immediately he sat up, "James," she said softly looking at him with her green eyes. Oh he was so not looking forward to this. "We need to talk, no. I need to talk and you need to listen."

"OK, I can listen," he said as she sat on the chair next to the couch that he seemed to be attached to.

Lily faltered before beginning, "Before we," she stopped and looked at him, her eyes cloudy, "before we broke up I was scared of losing you, and I don't mean you dieing I mean you leaving. I was scared that you would find someone better than me, someone who would fit your life better." Lily stopped and James attempted to talk but Lily silenced him by placing a finger on his lips.

"I don't know why, but what I want to know is why you let me break up with you, why you let me leave your life, and now you want me back in it? Don't get me wrong James I want us to be together I love you so much it hurts," Lily stopped and looked at James who was playing with a pillow tassel absently while staring into her eyes.

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy," James whispered, moving closer, "I thought it was what you wanted."

"You were wrong," Lily sniffed as a tear ran down her cheek.

James couldn't stop himself, and he kissed the tear off her cheek. "What does this mean then?"

"I want us to be together, just maybe less arguments and you being on time a bit more," Lily said while James chuckled.

"No promises on being on time but I'll try," James smiled.

As he cupped her face in his hand he smiled and leant in to kiss her. Lily had almost forgotten what it was like to be kissed by James, he was so tender and loving and yet he was always slightly shy, but as he pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her possessively she knew he was happy to have her back.

"Have they kissed yet," Sirius whispered, and James pulled away from Lily.

"Can we agree to get our locks changed?" he whispered in her ear, who giggled in response running her hand through his hair biting her lip, before she placed her head on his chest. "Yes they have Sirius and your whispering sucks!"

"We have food!" Sirius protested as the group who had been hiding emerged.

James laughed and Lily curled up further into his lap as they ate their dinner, it was almost like their life used to be, but better.

…

James was late, Lily sighed, it was their first proper dinner since they had gotten back together and all her stuff had been boxed up from her flat and then unboxed around the house. She was about to give up when she saw James running.

"Sorry," he grinned, pulling out a rose.

"You suck," Lily smiled taking the rose. "But I love you anyway. Now explain."

"The interview ran late, and well then they told me I got the job so insisted on showing me the ropes."

Lily sighed lovingly at him, "We missed our reservation, and I still don't see why you had to get a new job."

"Well wanting to kill Paul at work isn't an option for me, and I'd rather work shorter hours, might be a little less money but I get more time with you, and our reservation doesn't matter because Sirius and Abigail are setting up a picnic now." James reeled off to a disapproving Lily.

"What would you do without your friends?" Lily laughed as James took her vacant hand and led her to his pick nick.

James didn't reply, but kissed Lily on the forehead, and as they walked together James knew Lily would complain for her feat. "It's worth it I promise," he said softly.

When they finally arrived there Lily made a point to not complain, "So what are we doing on a blanket in the middle of the night in a park."

"It's not the middle of the night, and I wanted to talk to you about something very important to me." Lily mumbled, as James said this, "I'm talking about you, you muffin."

"Oh." Lily replied wondering what James was talking about

"Anyway, before we open the basket. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and long being since well, actually discredit the long time issue."

Lily looked at James, he was nervous, so she moved closer, she kissed his cheek and leant her head on his shoulder, "So what's this that you want to talk to me about?" she said smiling looking up at him.

"I love you," James whispered in her ear before, moving so that he was facing her, "and well I bought you a present."

"You're trying to buy me off?"

James laughed, "No," he said pushing back her hair behind her ear, and taking out a box from his pocket. "Lily, will you marry me?"

Lily blinked, as the little box opened and James smiled softly at her, "This is the one I used to drool over at Hogsmeade," as she tugged it out of the box.

"Yea I know, I snuck out of school and bought it on the last day of school," James said meekly, "So is that a yes?"

Lily giggled, "It isn't a no," she smiled, "Of course it's a yes you buffoon," as James took the ring and placed it on her finger. "Can you promise you won't be late for our wedding?"

"Yes," James replied pulling her into his lap, "I promise not to be late."

…

James stood at the door way just watching. Lily was walking around in circles cooing into his son's ear trying to get him to sleep, but as his baby spotted him at the door he giggled.

"Oh come on Harry, mummy wants you to be asleep when daddy gets home," Lily said, frustration etching in her voice as she bounced him up and down.

"Daddy's already home," James said from the door, Lily spun round and glared at him. "And what's the need to get my favourite boy to sleep," James said taking Harry from Lily.

"It's our anniversary you dolt."

"I'm aware of that," James said as he cradled his son. "You're present is on our bed." Lily mumbled on her way out of the room, while James chuckled. "You gunna go to sleep, for daddy?" he asked but all he got was a giggle and a pair of green eyes staring at him, "I guess that's a no huh?"

"Pfft!" was the reply.

"James?" Lily said wrapping her arms around his neck, "Exactly how much money do you intend to spend on me before we die?"

James smiled, "Mummy liked her present then?"

"Yes mummy did, now tell me why you make me feel guilty by buying me expensive things and well I just get you…"

"You give me great presents," James replied turning around, looking into her guilt ridden eyes, "You do, I swear you do. First Christmas as my wife you tell me you're pregnant, best Christmas present ever, first anniversary Cannons tickets and well for my birthday you didn't die. I spend on you because I can, and I want to because I love you."

"See now that's a perfect gift," Lily said.

"So you want me to take what I actually got you back?"

"No," Lily smiled and kissed him, "But um, well."

"You didn't get me one did you."

"No and I'm sorry but Harry just well he slept and since whenever he's not asleep I'm not really asleep I slept and when I woke up Sirius was here and I'm sorry."

"I told you I can stay up with Harry when he doesn't sleep."

"Yea but you go to work and I don't deserve any of this."

James looked down at Harry who was by now fast asleep, "Yea well sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you or Harry, and frankly I don't feel like losing you."

Lily watched as James placed Harry in his crib, "I'm jealous you know, he falls asleep when you hold him and I have to fuss over him."

"You like fussing love," James said wrapping his arms around her. "Now how about a bath my love."

"How about we skip the bath and go to bed," Lily said suggestively.

"Whatever the misses wants she gets," James said picking her up and carrying her away.

Little Harry Potter opened his eyes and yawned as he heard his mother giggle, then he turned over and slept.

* * *

_well thats all from me for now - im going to be busy with exams for a month now :D fun fun fun_

_anyway again thanks for reading - hoped you like - cause well im only fond of the last segment of the chap and nyeh please review :D_

**_anna_**


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